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Teen Smoking At Lowest Levels In Years

A new report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that cigarette smoking among high school students has plummeted to its lowest rate since officials started keeping track in 1991. The percent of high school students who smoke dropped from 36.4 percent in 1997 to only 21.9 percent in 2003. Terry Pechacek, co-author of the CDC study, said that the rate of smoking in youth "is finally being shut off."

No one is quite sure what is responsible for the decline in smoking among high school students, but Pechacek said he has a good theory. "For many years, there was a Surgeon General's Warning printed on packs of cigarettes that warned smokers of the health risks associated with smoking. The warning did not seem to have any effect on teens, so ten years ago we changed it to something we hoped would work better." He said the new labels added on information to the old warnings, giving them more teen-related themes such as "smoking has been found to cause cancer and early death, which means 10-20 fewer years for hanging out at the mall." Pechacek said he believes one of the most effective warnings was "smoking has been proven to cause lung disease, bed-wetting, pimples, and toe fungus."
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Eat Your Vegetables Day

Millions celebrated Eat Your Vegetables Day today, a little-known holiday intended to encourage more Americans to eat fresh broccoli, carrots, and other nutritious vegetables. The day coincides with an announcement made yesterday by the U.S. Department of Agriculture that frozen, batter-covered french fries should be considered fresh vegetables.

U.S. District Judge Richard Schell endorsed the recommended changes from the Department of Agriculture, noting that he is especially pleased with his decision because he "really likes" french fries and eats them often. "I go to McDonald's just about every day," said Judge Schell, "and I never miss an opportunity to say those magical words: 'Super Size Me.'" Before the endorsement from Schell, only 12 million pounds of vegetables were consumed daily in the entire country. Today, however, a record 47 million pounds of vegetables were consumed, most of that in french fries. Judge Schell declined to take credit for the increase in vegetable consumption. "My main goal is for more people to eat french fries, because I love them, and also because I own a large amount of stock in the Frito-Lay company and Heinz's Ore-Ida Fries. But don't quote me on that," he said.

City Builds Giant Lava Lamp, Bell Bottoms Next

The city of Soap Lake, in eastern Washington, is in need of re-development. So the town has decided to build a 60+ foot-high lava lamp constructed of "cast 4-6 inch thick reinforced glass with a structural metal base and top cap." The lamp will function much the same way as conventional, smaller-sized lava lamps. The giant lamp is intended to "put Soap Lake back on the map and secure the town's economic future."

Brent Blake and John Glassco, the Soap Lake residents who came up with the idea, are also planning to create giant-sized versions of other fashionable items from the 1960s and 70s. Next up for the design duo is a 45-foot-high pair of "lavender, swirl-print, bellbottom, stretch-knit pants." Blake said the project is currently stalled because they haven't been able to find that much polyester. Following that, they will begin work on a "giant platform shoe" and "an enormous disco mirror ball." When asked by a reporter how the giant monuments will help the town, Blake replied that the projects will be difficult, but are "definitely" worth it. "What could possibly help our city more than building humongous versions of obsolete 70s fashion items?" he asked.

Pie-Throwing Teen Returns to School

The Ohio high school student who was expelled for throwing a pie in his principal's face will return to school this fall, said the district superintendent. Danbury High School student Blake Molnar pushed a whipped-cream filled pie tin into principal Karen Abbott's face as part of a school-sponsored event. Although Abbott approved the event and consented to the pie-throwing, she complained and filed assault charges, claiming that her face, neck, and nose hurt because of the incident. District Superintendent Martin Fanning allowed Molnar to return to school following an apology and Molnar's acknowledgement "that his actions were inappropriate."

"Blake has issued a written apology and has also spoken directly with Principal Abbott," Fanning said. "He now realizes that whipped cream is a very dangerous substance, as deadly as guns, drugs, or marshmallows." The superintendent said that steps had also been taken to "make sure Principal Abbott's fragile face" is never harmed again. Abbott will be required to wear a face mask donated by a local ice hockey goalie, he said. The principal, who says she is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome since the pie-throwing incident, appeared encouraged when she heard about the face mask. "Students raise their hands and I'm reminded of Blake raising the pie just before he so cruelly attacked me," Abbott said. "I think this mask will really help me face the world again," she told reporters as she cowered under her desk.

Bush Sr. Skydives for 80th Birthday

Former president George H.W. Bush jumped out of a plane yesterday to celebrate his 80th birthday. "This was a real thrill for me," said Bush, who was watched by a crowd of 4,000 at his library at Texas A&M University.

The jump prompted the Washington Post to claim the stunt was "merely another attempt by the former president to recapture his youth." The Post revealed that Bush has dyed his hair a youthful shade of brown, has an earring, and has been frequenting a tanning salon. Former president Bush was enjoying a full day of bungee-jumping and skateboarding at the family ranch today and so could not be reached for comment. His spokesman denied the youth-recapturing allegations, although he did confirm that Bush was recently seen driving a new, fire engine red, Ford Mustang convertible, complete with spoiler wing, that he calls "the Red Monster."

Mars Rover Discovers Evidence of Water

NASA scientists announced yesterday that the Spirit rover has uncovered strong evidence of water on Mars. Less clear-cut evidence of water had been unearthed earlier this year by the Opportunity rover on the other side of the planet. Dr. Steven W. Squyres, the mission's principal investigator, said that what Spirit has just discovered is "much more compelling evidence than we have found anywhere else."

"The rover found polymers of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen in a trench it had dug in the Gusev Crater," Squyres said. "The concentrations discovered suggest the minerals were once combined as polyethylene," the scientific name for a popular consumer plastic. "We were excited about the ancient presence of polyethylene, so we kept digging deeper," he said. "Sure enough, at a depth of about 70 meters we found something a bit unexpected, an empty bottle of Evian Spring Water." At first, the scientists were puzzled by the discovery because "everybody knows Evian comes from the French Alps, not from Mars," said Squyres. They eventually came up with the theory that the original creators of Evian were Martian natives who came to France thousands of years ago after depleting the Martian water supply, which proves, said Squyres, that "the French really are all aliens from Mars."

Study: Kids May Cause Headaches

A new study shows almost a quarter of children and teens with chronic headaches are using too much over-the-counter pain medication. Of the 680 children between the ages of 6 and 18 studied, 22 percent overused pain relievers, according to the American Headache Society. David Rothner, the study's lead researcher, said he was "astounded by the large numbers of kids using over-the-counter medications."

"We are certainly surprised by the study's results," Rothner said, "but our findings have helped us better understand something well-known to parents everywhere: children cause headaches." Before this study, children had only been confirmed to cause headaches in their parents, teachers, and other adults. "Now, at last, we finally have proof that kids are so effective at causing headaches that they even give them to themselves and other children." Rothner said that future research will investigate how children cause other parental afflictions "like gray hairs and wrinkles."

Bush Accused of Allowing Torture

Attorney General John Ashcroft responded yesterday to allegations that the president had allowed al-Qaida operatives to be tortured by U.S. troops. Angry Democratic senators accused President Bush of justifying the use of physical or psychological pain in the war on terrorism "in order to prevent further attacks on the United States by the al-Qaida terrorist network."

Ashcroft initially responded that both he and the president "condemn torture." However, after renewed and persistent interruptions from Senate Democrats, the attorney general finally broke down and admitted that President Bush had approved the "limited use of torture" involving suspected al-Qaida terrorists. "We authorized the use of increasing levels of discomfort, beginning with forcing the subjects to endure several hours of taped American Idol tryouts," Ashcroft said, fighting back tears. "If that excruciating experience did not cause the subjects to collapse in defeat, then we would move on to showing the entire 500 miles and 1000 laps of a NASCAR race." At that point, Ashcroft's continued sobs made it difficult to fully understand the additional levels of pain recommended, but several senators reported hearing the words "Britney Spears concert" and "State of the Union speeches." The level of psychological and physical pain that the torture inflicts is not yet clear, but is assumed to be "quite high."

Pres. Reagan's Death Unifies Republican Party

Thousands of mourners are expected to pay tribute to former President Ronald Reagan at the Reagan Presidential Library on Tuesday. Many are saying that Reagan's death is having a unifying effect on the country and the Republican Party, pointing out that Congress has put aside other agendas to draft resolutions honoring the late president. One Republican senator said that he has never before seen such a spirit of cooperation among so many politicians.

The behavior of the nation's Democrats, on the other hand, is fueling speculation over how many popular Democratic former presidents would have to die for the Democratic Party to be similarly unified. A national FoxNews poll conducted today found that only 23% of Democrats would describe their party as "unified." However, that number rises to 58% when respondents were asked to describe their party after the hypothetical death of a popular Democratic former president, and to 81% after the deaths of two former Democratic presidents. The FoxNews article then made a not-so-subtle recommendation for which former Democratic president could best serve his country in that manner, by revealing recent comments from former President Bill Clinton, who selfishly "expressed anger" after he and President Carter were "left off the speaker's list" of Friday's Reagan State Funeral.

Cell Phone Stops Bullet, Service Improved

South African businessman Andre Steyn was driving near a toll plaza outside Johannesburg when he heard shots being fired at him from men trying to hijack his truck. One of the shots passed through his hand before being stopped by his Nokia cell phone, preventing the bullet from entering his temple and killing him.

Steyn now says he is "happy to be alive" and reports that his Nokia phone seems to have been improved by the bullet still lodged inside it. "Like many people, I was often a victim of frequently dropped calls, microscopic coverage areas, and lousy customer service. The bullet took care of the first of those, at least," he said. Steyn reported that he was "a bit shook up" when he returned home from the hospital to find a Verizon bill totalling $699.99. "They charged me roaming fees when I was at the hospital because I was out of my coverage area," he said, frowning. "Then they fined me $500 for 'illegally tampering' with my phone and ordered me to remove the bullet or face further penalty fees."

McDonald's, Sony Team Up to Boost Sales

Starting June 8, McDonald's will begin a joint venture with Sony in a bid to "tap in to pop culture that appeals to young adults." The promotional program, called Big Mac Meal Tracks will run for six to ten weeks and will help the fast food giant with its image, as well as helping Sony improve its financial outlook.

The deal came about after Sony began seeing a steady decline in sales of its electronics products. The partnership calls for Sony to offer McDonald's food items with sales of its "digital cameras, televisions, and home audio systems," a Sony spokesman said. At a test run of the promotion at a Circuit City store outside Chicago, customers who purchased Sony big screen TVs were asked if they would "like fries with that." Other customers reported being pleased with the hot apple pies they were offered after buying Sony cameras and CD players. One customer, however, who purchased a Happy Meal with his Sony camcorder, became upset after discovering the Disney-sponsored toy he was eagerly anticipating had instead been replaced with an extra set of camcorder batteries.

Saudis Shut Down Terror-Linked Charity

After a string of terrorist attacks in Saudi Arabia, Saudi officials have shut down a charity that it says has ties to terrorism. The charity had been suspected of providing funds to "al-Qaida and related terrorist organizations."

In a statement released today, members of the Saudi government revealed the reasons for the action did not lie with the charity's ties to terrorism, but with the charity itself as a method of funding. "We firmly believe that terrorism should be a business, not a charity," the statement declared. The Saudis recommended that future terrorist funds be directed to money-making companies. "We urge those thinking about donating funds to terror-linked money-laundering charities to instead direct their hard earned money to terror-linked money-laundering corporations."

Microsoft Patents Mouse Double-Click, Viruses

Microsoft was granted a patent on the double-click by the US Patents and Trademark Office on April 27. The patent was granted for launching a function by pressing the "application button multiple times within a short period of time, e.g., double click." Microsoft has said that it will be "seeking to improve earnings from technology" it claims to have invented and will be filing for more patents on that technology.

The double-click patent is the first in a series of "controversial and somewhat frivolous" Microsoft patent applications, according to industry analyst Richard O'Brian. "Microsoft is seeking to patent just about everything they can lay their hands on." Next up for the company, he said, is a patent on "unnecessary software updates." "Microsoft wishes to profit from something they can undeniably be shown to have invented: the unneeded Windows update," said O'Brian, referring to data showing that the average Windows user must update the Windows system "about three to four times per second, sometimes more." Following that, Microsoft intends to file a patent on "computer viruses that cause fatal errors multiple times within a short period of time."

John Kerry Endorses Packers, Bugs, Space

US Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has become a fan of the Green Bay Packers "in hopes they will bring him luck." Statistics show that the outcome of the Washington Redskins' final pre-election game is an accurate predictor of the presidential election. Hoping that the Packers beat the Redskins, which would indicate that he will win November's election, Kerry told a crowd in Green Bay that he is "the biggest Cheesehead in America."

The move marks a string of unlikely endorsements by Kerry, all in the hopes of bringing a bit of luck to his campaign. Last month, Kerry announced his "absolute and unequivocal support" for the spotted cucumber beetle, a bug that has seen its numbers fluxuate widely throughout the past fifty years. "The spotted cucumber beetle's increasing numbers this year undoubtedly show that I will be successful this November," Kerry said to a group of beetle enthusiasts at a conference outside Washington. In January, Kerry also made public his endorsement of "the vast expanse of space that surrounds our planet." "I really like our galaxy," Kerry told applauding members of the American Astronomical Society. "Actually, I really like the whole universe, and as long as it's around, I feel I am a sure thing to win the upcoming election."

Astronomers Discover Cosmic Teenager

A new US space telescope has helped astronomers find what many are saying is the youngest planet ever observed. Astronomers using the US Spitzer Space Telescope were observing a group of young stars in the Milky Way galaxy when they "found intriguing evidence" that one of the stars may have a very young planet.

"We were astonished at these latest images from the Spitzer telescope," said University of Wisconsin astronomer Ed Churchwell. "The images show unmistakable, telltale signs of youth." He said it became obvious just how young the planet is when images revealed that it was straying very close to a large, nearby star. "The other, older planets can be seen warning the young planet not to go any closer to the star," said Churchwell. "But the young planet pays them no attention and gets burned by the star's hot surface," he said, adding that the planet seems to have been moving to a beat emanating from what appear to be headphones wrapped around its upper half, "which may have been responsible for it not being able to hear the older planets' repeated warnings." Churchwell said that two older planets can be seen "scolding" the younger planet for its misbehavior, leading to speculation that the younger planet was "about to be grounded for a very, very long time."

South Carolina Pig Protest Inspires California Gov.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford did not approve of state lawmakers' attempts to override his budget vetoes. So, he walked into South Carolina's Statehouse carrying "two oinking piglets under his arms" to protest "pork" in the state's budget. Sanford called the antics a "lighthearted way to symbolize the need for spending reform in South Carolina."

After hearing of Sanford's entertaining methods, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger concluded that a similar stunt could put pressure on his own state's lawmakers to comply with his somewhat controversial plans for the future of the state. Schwarzenegger walked into California's Statehouse carrying two 300 lb pigs under his arms, shouting at the state lawmakers to ratify his proposals to "rid the state of weaklings." Claiming that the state must deport 20,000 "little girly-men" in order to remain competitive, he proceeded to bench press the pigs twenty times, or one time "for every thousand of the cream puff crybabies we must toss out like the namby-pamby, scaredy-cats they are." Afterward, Schwarzenegger was not available for comment because, according to his spokesman, he was out sky-diving, rock-climbing, and "doing other manly-man activities."

Study Shows Senators Similar to Chimps

Research carried out at the RIKEN Genomic Sciences Center in Yokohama, Japan, shows that "genetically, chimpanzees are 98.5 percent identical to humans." Asao Fujiyama, head of the team who wrote the study, also found that differences between "humans and chimps are much more complicated than conventional wisdom has portrayed."

Other distinguised researchers, however, have recently exposed the source of the human DNA used, leading to questions over the legitimacy of the findings. "The RIKEN researchers needed a high-profile source of DNA," said Micah Larson during a conference of the Institute for Genomic Research. "They received permission from the US government to use DNA samples from members of the US Senate and House of Representatives," he said, with a disappointed frown. Larson held up a chart of the findings in which he had substituted the word 'senators' for 'humans,' changing the chart's title to 'Chimpanzees Are 98.5 Percent Identical to Senators.' "Now that the truth has come out," he said, "I really don't think these results should be surprising to anyone."