Teen Pies Principal, All Desserts Banned

A student at Danbury High School in Ohio won a school-sponsored contest to throw a pie in his principal's face. School officials handed the pie to the student, Blake Molnar, who "pushed the aluminum tin filled with whipped cream" into the principal's face from about one foot away. The principal, Karen Abbott, has filed assault charges with Danbury police saying "her face, neck, and nose hurt because of the incident," despite having supplied the pie herself. The student is now facing an 80-day expulsion.

Principal Abbott said that she wishes to prevent similar situations from occurring again at her school, and she is taking steps to ensure that "excessively fragile administrators such as myself will no longer have to endure such abuse." She has sent letters to each student's parents informing them that "all desserts, including any items that could conceivably be called desserts," are banned from school property. "Until I suffered this vicious and humiliating attack, I had no idea that my face, neck, and nose were so delicate," Abbott said. "Now that I know whipped cream is so inherently unsafe, I have no choice but to ban other, more substantial sweets as well, like cupcakes, donuts, and popsicles." Ignoring concerns from parents that she may have overreacted, Abbott has decided to form the "Light-and-Fluffy-Cream Victims Defense League" to coordinate her efforts with other dainty, whipped-cream-pie victims.