Adidas Creates Smart Shoe, Dr. Scholls Follows

Adidas has created the world's first "smart shoe," using a computer chip that changes the shoe's cushioning to match a "runner's size and stride." The shoe, called Adidas 1, can adjust to "almost any condition — from hard pavement to dirt trails, and dry streets to wet beaches."

Inspired by the invention, shoe insole makers Dr. Scholls and Odor Eaters have joined together to create the world's first "smart odor destroyer." The new insole is powered by a computer chip that "changes the insole's odor-absorbing capacity to match the wearer's odor and sweat production," said Scott Menderhall, company spokesman for Dr. Scholls. Called the Foot Soldier, the computerized insole can adjust to almost any condition — "anything from three-day-old socks to nasty fungus," said Menderhall.

Australian School Bans Children from Playing

Students in St Mary's Primary School, Melbourne, will no longer be allowed to play before the school day begins. The new school rules state that "games will not be permitted...nor any activity on the adventure playground." Many parents have indicated their displeasure with the new system, saying that their kids are very active and they do not want them to "just sit around."

The move is part of the school's new "No-Fun Policy," said acting principal Lorraine Buntz. "Kids are not allowed to run, skip, or do anything," she said. "And that's the way I like it." Buntz said that the new policy is designed to create kids "who do nothing but their schoolwork, because that's what school is all about, hard work and zero fun." When one parent complained that the new rules would "change our kids into inactive, obese zombies," Buntz looked pleased but quickly erased the grin from her face and announced that she would remedy any obesity problem by "not allowing the children to eat any food during the school day."

Students Protest Midterm Exam, Police Answer

Students in Professor Ted Morgan's "Movements and Legacies of the 1960s" class organized a protest of their midterm exam because they "felt it was hypocritical in light of what they had learned all semester." The Lehigh University students chose instead to organize a war protest and "teach-in," calling themselves the "New Resistance."

The students' effort to take "control of their education" became more exciting, however, when the professor called in the local police department to make the teach-in more faithful to the experiences of 1960s protesters. As the students excitedly chanted "No more tests, we must protest!" they were met by police officers with fire hoses and attack dogs. Student leader Claire Hall said that she was "a little surprised" when the police showed up, but she "welcomed the opportunity to more deeply understand" the '60s protesters. "I was happy to identify with them," she said. "And besides, only a few students were actually injured by those dogs." Hall said that police were about to resort to tear gas and rubber bullets, "but most of the students had already been hauled away to jail or the hospital by then," so the additional anti-riot weaponry was not needed.

Frogs Added to In-Flight Salad Menus

A passenger traveling on Qantas Airlines from Australia to New Zealand was dismayed to find a frog in her in-flight salad, New Zealand authorities reported. “Naturally there was a bit of consternation by the passenger who called back the attendant,” Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry quarantine general manager Fergus Small said.

The flight attendant then informed the passenger of the recent changes to the airline's menu. "The frogs are part of the airline's effort to offer more low-carb foods to our customers," a Qantas company spokesman said, adding that the company's in-flight meal coordinator had first hatched the plan after a visit to his daughter's high school biology class. "He was watching her dissect the frog's abdomen and the idea just came to him, 'I bet those frogs are low in carbs!'" The passenger was not given a refund, the spokesman said, but she was allowed to substitute other low-carb salad toppings for the frog, including earthworms, jellyfish, or cow tongue.

Priest Performs Over 100 Exorcisms

The Rev. Julio Cesar Elizaga, of Montevideo, Uruguay, has performed more than 100 exorcisms over the past 47 years. The "liberation prayer," as Elizaga called it, has little in common with how the practice is portrayed in the movies. For example, he has never "seen a body levitate, or a neck pivot 360 degrees, or green vomit."

"No, no, I've never seen that," the priest continued. "The vomit was actually a rather pleasant electric blue color, not green, and the neck spun around a whole lot more than 360 degrees -- Hollywood is always so modest when it portrays a demonic liberation." Elizaga revealed that the majority of the exorcisms he has performed did not take place in his home country, or even close by. Many of them took place "in Washington, D.C." and "near New York City's Wall Street." Elizaga said that he doesn't understand why so many were needed in those two areas. "Demonic possession usually occurs in those seeking power or money who are corrupted and invite the evil into themselves," he added. "I just don't see the connection to those locations."

Homeless for a Night, Dirt-Poor for a Year

Students from a Fairbanks, Alaska high school spent a night in "large cardboard appliance boxes in a downtown park" in order to "simulate" the life of the homeless. Leona Allridge, homeless liaison for the Fairbanks North Star Borough School District, said that the night spent in the boxes "did not represent the many ways homeless people live in the Fairbanks area," although it did include huddling around a campfire for warmth, enduring "curious looks of passersby," and being roused by a local police officer.

The students, undeterred by the criticism, are already planning other events designed to help them "understand the plight of the less fortunate." Kelly Reid, the student organizer, said that they will soon spend "an entire year without adequate food, clothing, transportation, job opportunities, health-care access, self-esteem, and daily showers" to simulate the life of the "dirt-poor." Reid expects that, after the year is up, the surviving students will move on to simulating the lives of "prison inmates" followed by "drug-addicts."

Alabama Church Boasts Coffee Bar

Pastor Chuck Glasscock wanted the Crossroads Assembly of God Church in Montgomery, Alabama to be a place where people can "hang out... and feel like they're home," so he installed "a coffee bar decorated in vibrant colors with contemporary tables and lighting." The church, located next to Rhonda's Hair Salon and Dismukes Feed and Seed, currently has about about 15 regular attendees.

In an effort to help churchgoers "enjoy themselves" and "meet the needs of the people," future additions to the church will also depart from the traditional moral atmosphere of religious structures. "We'll be putting in a fully-loaded liquor bar soon," the pastor said. But to really "pack the pews," the pastor announced that he would soon be contacting Hollywood about a possible reality-style TV show focusing on his "bold and loud Slammin' Sermon" and "bare-knuckle boxing matches" held in the church's Youth Center.