Astronomers Discover Cosmic Teenager

A new US space telescope has helped astronomers find what many are saying is the youngest planet ever observed. Astronomers using the US Spitzer Space Telescope were observing a group of young stars in the Milky Way galaxy when they "found intriguing evidence" that one of the stars may have a very young planet.

"We were astonished at these latest images from the Spitzer telescope," said University of Wisconsin astronomer Ed Churchwell. "The images show unmistakable, telltale signs of youth." He said it became obvious just how young the planet is when images revealed that it was straying very close to a large, nearby star. "The other, older planets can be seen warning the young planet not to go any closer to the star," said Churchwell. "But the young planet pays them no attention and gets burned by the star's hot surface," he said, adding that the planet seems to have been moving to a beat emanating from what appear to be headphones wrapped around its upper half, "which may have been responsible for it not being able to hear the older planets' repeated warnings." Churchwell said that two older planets can be seen "scolding" the younger planet for its misbehavior, leading to speculation that the younger planet was "about to be grounded for a very, very long time."

South Carolina Pig Protest Inspires California Gov.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford did not approve of state lawmakers' attempts to override his budget vetoes. So, he walked into South Carolina's Statehouse carrying "two oinking piglets under his arms" to protest "pork" in the state's budget. Sanford called the antics a "lighthearted way to symbolize the need for spending reform in South Carolina."

After hearing of Sanford's entertaining methods, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger concluded that a similar stunt could put pressure on his own state's lawmakers to comply with his somewhat controversial plans for the future of the state. Schwarzenegger walked into California's Statehouse carrying two 300 lb pigs under his arms, shouting at the state lawmakers to ratify his proposals to "rid the state of weaklings." Claiming that the state must deport 20,000 "little girly-men" in order to remain competitive, he proceeded to bench press the pigs twenty times, or one time "for every thousand of the cream puff crybabies we must toss out like the namby-pamby, scaredy-cats they are." Afterward, Schwarzenegger was not available for comment because, according to his spokesman, he was out sky-diving, rock-climbing, and "doing other manly-man activities."

Study Shows Senators Similar to Chimps

Research carried out at the RIKEN Genomic Sciences Center in Yokohama, Japan, shows that "genetically, chimpanzees are 98.5 percent identical to humans." Asao Fujiyama, head of the team who wrote the study, also found that differences between "humans and chimps are much more complicated than conventional wisdom has portrayed."

Other distinguised researchers, however, have recently exposed the source of the human DNA used, leading to questions over the legitimacy of the findings. "The RIKEN researchers needed a high-profile source of DNA," said Micah Larson during a conference of the Institute for Genomic Research. "They received permission from the US government to use DNA samples from members of the US Senate and House of Representatives," he said, with a disappointed frown. Larson held up a chart of the findings in which he had substituted the word 'senators' for 'humans,' changing the chart's title to 'Chimpanzees Are 98.5 Percent Identical to Senators.' "Now that the truth has come out," he said, "I really don't think these results should be surprising to anyone."

Teen Pies Principal, All Desserts Banned

A student at Danbury High School in Ohio won a school-sponsored contest to throw a pie in his principal's face. School officials handed the pie to the student, Blake Molnar, who "pushed the aluminum tin filled with whipped cream" into the principal's face from about one foot away. The principal, Karen Abbott, has filed assault charges with Danbury police saying "her face, neck, and nose hurt because of the incident," despite having supplied the pie herself. The student is now facing an 80-day expulsion.

Principal Abbott said that she wishes to prevent similar situations from occurring again at her school, and she is taking steps to ensure that "excessively fragile administrators such as myself will no longer have to endure such abuse." She has sent letters to each student's parents informing them that "all desserts, including any items that could conceivably be called desserts," are banned from school property. "Until I suffered this vicious and humiliating attack, I had no idea that my face, neck, and nose were so delicate," Abbott said. "Now that I know whipped cream is so inherently unsafe, I have no choice but to ban other, more substantial sweets as well, like cupcakes, donuts, and popsicles." Ignoring concerns from parents that she may have overreacted, Abbott has decided to form the "Light-and-Fluffy-Cream Victims Defense League" to coordinate her efforts with other dainty, whipped-cream-pie victims.

London Police Use Roses to Deter Burglars

Police at London's annual Chelsea Flower Show recommended that homeowners use roses to protect their homes from theft. The thorny flowers can provide "a first line of defense against burglars," officers at the flower show said today.

Police officers provided a compelling demonstration on how roses can be used as "an effective theft deterrent." Playing the part of the burglar, detective inspector Paul Anstee walked across the event stage and pretended to break into a "house," a cardboard box with a cutout window "specially handcrafted" by the London police department. "Burglars are, of course, fascinated by expensive-looking, attractive objects," said Anstee after climbing through the window. "What is more attractive and expensive-looking than a rose?" he asked, as he simulated the would-be thief gazing admiringly at a rose placed on stage. "Thieves will head immediately for the well-placed rose and conveniently will be pricked by its formidable thorns," Anstee said, pressing his hand around the stem of the rose and wincing from pain. "A burglar so injured is extremely unlikely to remain on the scene and will flee at once." Afterward, one of Anstee's fellow officers was quick to remind the audience that the demonstration did not represent the official views of the London police department.