TV-Turnoff Week

Supported by 83 national organizations, including the American Medical Association and the National Education Association, the 10th annual TV-Turnoff Week takes place from April 19 to 25, 2004. The event is organized by the TV-Turnoff Network, a nonprofit organization that "encourages children and adults to watch much less television in order to promote healthier lives and communities."

The Network suggests a list of alternate activities for April instead of watching television, including observing Earth Day, celebrating Shakespeare's birthday, or sitting on the couch in front of a turned-off TV and imagining you are watching your favorite programs. Playing baseball and having a family cookout also made the suggestion list, while contemplating the meaning of life and being incredibly bored did not.

The TV-Turnoff Network can be found on cable channel 46, and will be airing special three-hour-long programs throughout the week on the dangers of watching too much TV.

Rubber Band Sends Seventh-Grader to Juvenile Hall

A 13-year-old boy at Centennial Middle School in Miami-Dade County was charged with weapons possession after police discovered he brought a rubber-band shooter onto school grounds. "Even though it's plastic, it has a trigger mechanism and it can fire," said Miami-Dade Schools Police spokesman Edward Torrens. "It fits the criteria for a weapon."

Torrens then unveiled Miami-Dade Schools' list of new restrictions regarding what will be considered a weapon at school. The list includes spitballs, pencils, G.I. Joe action figures, and plastic spoon-fork hybrids called "sporks." Torrens added, "If anyone is caught bringing one of these items to school, it's an automatic suspension. We're serious. These things could poke someone's eye out."

Bin Laden Offers Truce to Europe, New England Patriots

A recently-aired tape, believed to be the work of Osama bin Laden, offers a truce to the nations of Europe if they remove their troops from Muslim countries. "Whoever rejects this truce and wants war, we are its [war's] sons and whoever want this truce, here we bring it," the terrorist said.

The tape also revealed a few little known facts about bin Laden, when he offered additional truces to the New England Patriots and to golfers Tiger Woods, Mike Weir, and Vijay Singh. Confessing that he is a "major sports fan," bin Laden opened his remarks to the athletes with "Peace upon those who followed the right path." He then praised the Patriots and the professional golfers for "punishing their enemies" and for "enacting justice" on their competitors.

Cell Phones Name That Tune

AT&T Wireless has announced that its cell phones will now be able to recognize songs. Just hold the phone up to the music for 15 seconds and the artist and title will be sent back to you as a text message.

To remain competitive, Verizon has announced its own line of music-recognizing cell phones. In an extension of its partnership with Fox's television hit American Idol, Verizon's artist and title info will be supplemented by the popular opinions of American Idol host Simon Cowell. After the song information appears on the phone, Verizon's subscribers can then dial a number to hear Cowell's opinion of that song: "That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad," "I don't believe (insert singer's name here) has a singing talent. She's completely wasting her money. Sorry," and "If his lifeguard duties were as good as his singing, a lot of people would be drowning."

Blame Someone Else Day

Americans across the country took advantage of a little-known holiday to avoid paying their taxes by the April 15 deadline. April 13, known as Blame Someone Else Day, has inspired many to point their fingers at neighbors, relatives, the trade deficit, or even the supernatural to explain away the money they owe the government.

"I'm blaming 'The System,'" said Tulsa, Oklahoma resident Rob Nichols. "For the last few years I have been blaming 'The Man' so I figure it's time to shift the blame for my failure to pay taxes onto someone new this year."

Also getting into the spirit of the holiday was President Bush. The president, after being heavily criticized for his decision to allow National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to testify before the 9/11 commission, had this to say: "Blame Someone Else Day influenced my choice enormously. If this decision ends up leading to disaster, I have decided, after much deep thought and hours of pondering, that I will blame Al Qaeda. I'm not used to shifting the blame from my own administration, but I find the experience liberating."

Kerry Opens Up

Next week, presidential candidate John Kerry will begin airing ads intended to "define" him and his candidacy. "The level of communication we need to establish here is enormous," he said during a fund-raising breakfast. The candidate expressed optimism that, despite raising far less money than President Bush, he would still have enough of a "financial edge" to show America who he really is.

"I just feel I can no longer hide my true self!" Kerry shouted. "A lot of people don't really know who I am." The candidate's initial remarks led to some speculation among his guests. "I was worried he was going to reveal that his real name is Jessica and he was once a woman. Or, even worse, that he was once a Republican!" commented Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe. Kerry put an end to that line of thinking with a less racy disclosure: "Like many people, I'm not entirely enthusiastic about my candidacy. In fact, sometimes I find myself boring."

McDonald's Goes on a Diet

The large restaurant chain yielded to pressure from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services today and announced plans to make Happy Meals healthier by substituting "apple slices and juice for fries and a soft drink." Mike Roberts, Mcdonald's president, said the move came about because his company is "very concerned" about its "customers' well-being."

Roberts also announced plans to change restaurant decor and include brochures with customers' orders to advise them on how to eat less fat, calories and carbohydrates. "We are trying to distance ourselves from that soft and fluffy 'Ronald McDonald' image. Now when customers sit down in our restaurants, they will be greeted by photos of Dr. Phil McGraw. He's so inspirational," Roberts said. The brochures will feature several of Dr. Phil's motivational quotes, including: "I don't care what I weigh!" "You're a big fat goony-bird," and "Kids hate me."

Sinkhole Eats Bus, Coughs Up Other Vehicles

A giant sinkhole in Ontario, Canada swallowed "as many as 12 cars, trucks and other vehicles, including a 40-foot trailer." All the vehicles were eventually pulled out of the sinkhole. In 1963 a similar sinkhole caused three buses to plunge into the ground, and Fire Chief Lester Cudmore said that he believes "they are still there."

FoxNews reports that the entire town "may be in danger of being gobbled up by the earth." The town, Timmins, is best-known for being the hometown of country singer Shania Twain. Townspeople speculated that Twain may have been the actual target of the giant sinkhole. Said Fire Chief Cudmore: "Yeah, that's possible. Her style is just a little too Hollywood for the folks around here. Maybe the sinkhole thought she would be in town and was just out to teach her a lesson." The singer was unavailable for comment.

How to Attract a UFO

A UFO sighting was reported in a rural town in northern Indiana last week. Bev Carpenter and her 13-year-old granddaughter were just returning home when they saw a "disc-shaped object in the sky" that hovered over the trees and then disappeared. The object was also spotted farther to the south by several people who saw it hovering over the top of their pond.

It is unclear if the shock of seeing the UFO is responsible for turning Carpenter's hair a punkish pink color or if there is an even stranger explanation. Said Sgt. Ed Beaird, who responded to Carpenter's call: "She may have dyed it to lure more UFOs. Those little green men are often attracted to bright, shiny objects."

"It's amazing she was able to live that long."

A 5-year-old girl in the Los Angeles area survived for 10 days following a car crash that killed her mother after the car fell 400 feet over a guardrail. How did she survive? She drank Gatorade and ate dried noodles. "I couldn't imagine having to survive like that for 10 days without any help," said Capt. Bob Clark of the CA Highway Patrol.

Not to take away from the tragedy of the situation, but apparently Capt. Clark never lived in a college dorm. I had a roommate who lived on nothing but Ramen noodles and milk, and as far as I know, he is still alive.

Tyco Makes a Splash... Without Getting Wet

Tyco, famous for toys and... more toys, apparently also has a "Fire & Security" division. The hardworking guys in that division have invented a substance that "acts just like water except for one thing... it doesn't get things wet."

Tyco representatives demonstrated the substance (called Sapphire) on Good Morning America by dowsing hosts Charles Gibson and Diane Sawyer with a bucket of cold tap water followed by a bucket of Sapphire. Charles and Diane reported that the tap water was noticeably more unpleasant and did, in fact, leave them soaked, while the Sapphire did not.