Mars Rover Discovers Evidence of Water

NASA scientists announced yesterday that the Spirit rover has uncovered strong evidence of water on Mars. Less clear-cut evidence of water had been unearthed earlier this year by the Opportunity rover on the other side of the planet. Dr. Steven W. Squyres, the mission's principal investigator, said that what Spirit has just discovered is "much more compelling evidence than we have found anywhere else."

"The rover found polymers of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen in a trench it had dug in the Gusev Crater," Squyres said. "The concentrations discovered suggest the minerals were once combined as polyethylene," the scientific name for a popular consumer plastic. "We were excited about the ancient presence of polyethylene, so we kept digging deeper," he said. "Sure enough, at a depth of about 70 meters we found something a bit unexpected, an empty bottle of Evian Spring Water." At first, the scientists were puzzled by the discovery because "everybody knows Evian comes from the French Alps, not from Mars," said Squyres. They eventually came up with the theory that the original creators of Evian were Martian natives who came to France thousands of years ago after depleting the Martian water supply, which proves, said Squyres, that "the French really are all aliens from Mars."

Study: Kids May Cause Headaches

A new study shows almost a quarter of children and teens with chronic headaches are using too much over-the-counter pain medication. Of the 680 children between the ages of 6 and 18 studied, 22 percent overused pain relievers, according to the American Headache Society. David Rothner, the study's lead researcher, said he was "astounded by the large numbers of kids using over-the-counter medications."

"We are certainly surprised by the study's results," Rothner said, "but our findings have helped us better understand something well-known to parents everywhere: children cause headaches." Before this study, children had only been confirmed to cause headaches in their parents, teachers, and other adults. "Now, at last, we finally have proof that kids are so effective at causing headaches that they even give them to themselves and other children." Rothner said that future research will investigate how children cause other parental afflictions "like gray hairs and wrinkles."

Bush Accused of Allowing Torture

Attorney General John Ashcroft responded yesterday to allegations that the president had allowed al-Qaida operatives to be tortured by U.S. troops. Angry Democratic senators accused President Bush of justifying the use of physical or psychological pain in the war on terrorism "in order to prevent further attacks on the United States by the al-Qaida terrorist network."

Ashcroft initially responded that both he and the president "condemn torture." However, after renewed and persistent interruptions from Senate Democrats, the attorney general finally broke down and admitted that President Bush had approved the "limited use of torture" involving suspected al-Qaida terrorists. "We authorized the use of increasing levels of discomfort, beginning with forcing the subjects to endure several hours of taped American Idol tryouts," Ashcroft said, fighting back tears. "If that excruciating experience did not cause the subjects to collapse in defeat, then we would move on to showing the entire 500 miles and 1000 laps of a NASCAR race." At that point, Ashcroft's continued sobs made it difficult to fully understand the additional levels of pain recommended, but several senators reported hearing the words "Britney Spears concert" and "State of the Union speeches." The level of psychological and physical pain that the torture inflicts is not yet clear, but is assumed to be "quite high."

Pres. Reagan's Death Unifies Republican Party

Thousands of mourners are expected to pay tribute to former President Ronald Reagan at the Reagan Presidential Library on Tuesday. Many are saying that Reagan's death is having a unifying effect on the country and the Republican Party, pointing out that Congress has put aside other agendas to draft resolutions honoring the late president. One Republican senator said that he has never before seen such a spirit of cooperation among so many politicians.

The behavior of the nation's Democrats, on the other hand, is fueling speculation over how many popular Democratic former presidents would have to die for the Democratic Party to be similarly unified. A national FoxNews poll conducted today found that only 23% of Democrats would describe their party as "unified." However, that number rises to 58% when respondents were asked to describe their party after the hypothetical death of a popular Democratic former president, and to 81% after the deaths of two former Democratic presidents. The FoxNews article then made a not-so-subtle recommendation for which former Democratic president could best serve his country in that manner, by revealing recent comments from former President Bill Clinton, who selfishly "expressed anger" after he and President Carter were "left off the speaker's list" of Friday's Reagan State Funeral.

Cell Phone Stops Bullet, Service Improved

South African businessman Andre Steyn was driving near a toll plaza outside Johannesburg when he heard shots being fired at him from men trying to hijack his truck. One of the shots passed through his hand before being stopped by his Nokia cell phone, preventing the bullet from entering his temple and killing him.

Steyn now says he is "happy to be alive" and reports that his Nokia phone seems to have been improved by the bullet still lodged inside it. "Like many people, I was often a victim of frequently dropped calls, microscopic coverage areas, and lousy customer service. The bullet took care of the first of those, at least," he said. Steyn reported that he was "a bit shook up" when he returned home from the hospital to find a Verizon bill totalling $699.99. "They charged me roaming fees when I was at the hospital because I was out of my coverage area," he said, frowning. "Then they fined me $500 for 'illegally tampering' with my phone and ordered me to remove the bullet or face further penalty fees."