DEA Agent Shoots Self in Leg During Gun-Safety Class for Kids

A US Drug Enforcement Administration agent was giving a presentation on gun safety when he shot himself in the thigh with his loaded gun. Susan Nichols, 41, was in the classroom watching the presentation with 50 other adults and children. "The point of gun safety hit home. After seeing that, my nephew doesn't want to have anything to do with guns."

The presentation was part of the DEA's new "Watch and Learn" program, which seeks to impress upon kids "the dangers associated with guns, drug-use, and other hazardous or immoral practices." The gun safety presentation was followed by lessons in avoiding alcohol and gambling. The adults and children present watched as two DEA agents consumed several alcoholic beverages, until their blood-alcohol-level was nearly twice the legal limit. The two agents then attempted to drive separate cars around the parking lot before crashing into each other. Another agent then demonstrated the perils of gambling by placing a large bet on a horse race, losing, then having his legs broken and his house repossessed when he was unable to pay his loan shark.

British Security Group Combats Terrorism with Cleanliness

The British spy organization, MI5, publicly issued anti-terrorist advice today, calling on Britain and the world to implement its "practice points for dealing with the terrorist threat." Among its recommendations is a warning on the "perils of dense shrubbery" in garden areas.

MI5's report is broken down into ten sections with 4 or 5 points of advice in each. The section that warns about shrubbery, titled "Basic Good Housekeeping," also includes other warnings on the "hazards of a messy room" and the "dangers of dirty dishes." MI5 Director General Eugene Harrison commented that rooms must be kept clean because "terrorists could be hiding anywhere, even below that piece of furniture you haven't vacuumed under since the late 1980s." Similarly, a sink full of dirty dishes "is a likely place for terrorists to hide bombs or other delicate electronic devices."

Chuck-A-Rama Apologizes to Atkins Diet Couple

Chuck-A-Rama CEO Duane Moss offered a public apology for the experience of Isabelle Leota and Sui Amaama, who were removed by police from the Salt Lake City restaurant, after they had eaten more than their allotment of roast beef. Moss expressed regret for the way the couple was treated, but reiterated that his restaurant is "buffet-style," not "all-you-can-eat," and so can place limits on how much customers can consume.

"We are in the process of defining a system by which we can communicate this difference to our customers so our buffet-style dining is better understood," Moss said. "We wish to let customers know about the eating limits in the most sensitive and polite way possible." Company representatives initially suggested placing scales near the buffet line to remind customers not to overeat, but Moss wrote off that idea as not sensitive enough. Instead, Chuck-A-Rama will continue to individually monitor each customer and find ways to "subtly" tell them they have eaten enough. "For example," said Moss, "if a customer has eaten 11 pieces of roast beef, our managers are instructed to add large amounts of chili pepper to the 12th slice. That oughta stop 'em," he added with a mischievous grin. "And for those low-carb types, we will simply inform them that the next slice contains approximately 2 billion grams of carbohydrates."

Turkey's Entry into EU Not 'Desirable'

French President Jacques Chirac announced that Turkey is not yet ready to enter the European Union. Chirac told reporters that Turkey must first meet certain "conditions" before being granted admission to the EU.

The most important of these conditions, Chirac announced, include "issues ranging from human rights to judicial reform to resolving the age-old question of Istanbul vs. Constantinople." The French president confessed that he has long been confused between the two names for Turkey's most famous city. "I once had a date in Constantinople," Chirac revealed at the gathering in Paris. "My associates told me that she was waiting in Istanbul, but why did Constantinople get the works?" Several of those present at the announcement informed Chirac that "even old Paris was once named Lutecia," but the name was changed because "people just liked it better that way."

Couple on Atkins Diet Turned Away from Restaurant

Isabelle Leota and husband Sui Amaama, both on the low-carb Atkins diet, were told to leave the Salt Lake City Chuck-A-Rama after a manager determined that they had eaten too much roast beef. "We went in to have dinner, we were under the impression Chuck-A-Rama was an all you can eat establishment," Leota said.

"We never claimed to be an all-you-can-eat establishment," said Jack Johanson, the restaurant chain's district manager. "We assign an employee to monitor each customer that enters our restaurant. From the moment that patrons step in the door and start eating, we watch them like a hawk." Johanson said that his "Food Monitors" dress and act like normal customers, so patrons are often not aware that they are being watched. "Leota and her husband got off easy," added Johanson. "If you read the fine print on the back of one of our menus, you'll find that there are much stiffer penalties for going over your established eating limit." Other possible penalties include being forced to work or eat at Chuck-A-Rama every single day.

Iraqis Not Celebrating Saddam's Birthday

Saddam's 67th birthday went uncelebrated today in his hometown of Tikrit , residents of the Iraqi town reported. During the years that the former dictator was in power, "the government organized festivals throughout Iraq on his birthday." Last year, as ordered by Saddam's regime, 200 Iraqis gathered in Tikrit to celebrate before being dispersed by US soldiers.

At an undisclosed location near Baghdad, Saddam reportedly tried to carry on the tradition of ordering those around him to celebrate his birthday. His FBI and CIA interrogators responded by presenting him with a birthday cake complete with "trick candles." Saddam is reported to have made several attempts to blow out the candles, but was forced to stop after a candle caught his colossal beard on fire.

Pizza Delivery Used to Find Lawbreakers

Missouri state officers are using a new strategy to find criminals: looking at pizza delivery companies' databases to track down those who owe the state money. "When you call to order a pizza, you usually give them your correct name, your correct address and your correct phone number," said David Coplen, the state office's budget director.

Independence, Missouri resident Charles Hatch found out about the state's strategy the hard way after he ordered a pizza with "pepperoni, mushrooms, and extra cheese." He opened his front door expecting to find "the usual kid with a beat-up car" parked at the curb behind him. Instead, Hatch saw a clean, black sedan and was confronted by two men in dark suits and sunglasses. "I figured, since the economy was bad, you know, that they were just two guys down on their luck, trying to earn a living. But when I saw their badges, I asked them if I could call the pizza place back and have my pizza delivered to my holding cell," Hatch continued. "They said no."

Moon Meteorite Contains New Mineral

Researchers from the National Academy of Sciences announced that a meteorite from the moon contains a mineral new to science. Professor Lawrence Taylor of the University of Tennessee said the mineral was "formed in a process different from those on Earth."

"The mineral contains a new composition of iron, silicon, and unidentified elements," said Taylor. Researchers suspect that the unidentified elements are responsible for the meteorite glowing a very-noticeable green color. Taylor reported that the meteorite did not emit harmful radiation and appeared to be completely safe. However, he noted that one of his colleagues from Kansas State University, Professor Clark Kent, "just wouldn't go near the thing."

Governor Keeps Media Under Control

The media's tightly controlled access to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is raising questions "about whether the public is getting a clear-eyed view of the actor-turned-governor," or merely a "deftly shaped persona." Bryce Nelson, a professor of journalism at the University of Southern California, calls the governor's strategy a success, saying his favored status "gives him a great advantage."

Nelson also answered the question of how the governor is able to control the local, state, and national media so effectively. "Simply put, we believe the media is scared," he said. "I mean, they've seen him take on aliens, robots from the future, and a group of kindergarteners." Nelson recalled a meeting he held with fellow journalists to discuss the situation, when he showed them a picture of the governor flexing his biceps. "They recoiled in terror," he said, "and vowed never to write a negative word about him."

Abortion Rights Supporters March on Washington

The March for Women's Lives took place on Sunday in Washington, D.C., as thousands of women marched to show their support of abortion rights. The participants included "thousands of mother-daughter duos" and women representing "three or even four generations of a family."

Twenty-five-year-old Ashley Theil wasn't yet born when her mother began her push for abortion rights. "It's time for young people to speak out in support of abortion," Ashley said, standing alongside her mother, Lynda. "If abortion had been completely legal and if my mom had wanted to abort me a little over 25 years ago, well, I wouldn't be here today. That's a right that I am willing to fight for." When asked if she would keep up the multi-generational fight for abortion rights and bring her own future daughter to a march twenty years from now, Ashley looked doubtful and replied: "What future daughter? That's the whole point of the march, right?"