Teen Smoking At Lowest Levels In Years

A new report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that cigarette smoking among high school students has plummeted to its lowest rate since officials started keeping track in 1991. The percent of high school students who smoke dropped from 36.4 percent in 1997 to only 21.9 percent in 2003. Terry Pechacek, co-author of the CDC study, said that the rate of smoking in youth "is finally being shut off."

No one is quite sure what is responsible for the decline in smoking among high school students, but Pechacek said he has a good theory. "For many years, there was a Surgeon General's Warning printed on packs of cigarettes that warned smokers of the health risks associated with smoking. The warning did not seem to have any effect on teens, so ten years ago we changed it to something we hoped would work better." He said the new labels added on information to the old warnings, giving them more teen-related themes such as "smoking has been found to cause cancer and early death, which means 10-20 fewer years for hanging out at the mall." Pechacek said he believes one of the most effective warnings was "smoking has been proven to cause lung disease, bed-wetting, pimples, and toe fungus."
Continue Reading...

Eat Your Vegetables Day

Millions celebrated Eat Your Vegetables Day today, a little-known holiday intended to encourage more Americans to eat fresh broccoli, carrots, and other nutritious vegetables. The day coincides with an announcement made yesterday by the U.S. Department of Agriculture that frozen, batter-covered french fries should be considered fresh vegetables.

U.S. District Judge Richard Schell endorsed the recommended changes from the Department of Agriculture, noting that he is especially pleased with his decision because he "really likes" french fries and eats them often. "I go to McDonald's just about every day," said Judge Schell, "and I never miss an opportunity to say those magical words: 'Super Size Me.'" Before the endorsement from Schell, only 12 million pounds of vegetables were consumed daily in the entire country. Today, however, a record 47 million pounds of vegetables were consumed, most of that in french fries. Judge Schell declined to take credit for the increase in vegetable consumption. "My main goal is for more people to eat french fries, because I love them, and also because I own a large amount of stock in the Frito-Lay company and Heinz's Ore-Ida Fries. But don't quote me on that," he said.

City Builds Giant Lava Lamp, Bell Bottoms Next

The city of Soap Lake, in eastern Washington, is in need of re-development. So the town has decided to build a 60+ foot-high lava lamp constructed of "cast 4-6 inch thick reinforced glass with a structural metal base and top cap." The lamp will function much the same way as conventional, smaller-sized lava lamps. The giant lamp is intended to "put Soap Lake back on the map and secure the town's economic future."

Brent Blake and John Glassco, the Soap Lake residents who came up with the idea, are also planning to create giant-sized versions of other fashionable items from the 1960s and 70s. Next up for the design duo is a 45-foot-high pair of "lavender, swirl-print, bellbottom, stretch-knit pants." Blake said the project is currently stalled because they haven't been able to find that much polyester. Following that, they will begin work on a "giant platform shoe" and "an enormous disco mirror ball." When asked by a reporter how the giant monuments will help the town, Blake replied that the projects will be difficult, but are "definitely" worth it. "What could possibly help our city more than building humongous versions of obsolete 70s fashion items?" he asked.

Pie-Throwing Teen Returns to School

The Ohio high school student who was expelled for throwing a pie in his principal's face will return to school this fall, said the district superintendent. Danbury High School student Blake Molnar pushed a whipped-cream filled pie tin into principal Karen Abbott's face as part of a school-sponsored event. Although Abbott approved the event and consented to the pie-throwing, she complained and filed assault charges, claiming that her face, neck, and nose hurt because of the incident. District Superintendent Martin Fanning allowed Molnar to return to school following an apology and Molnar's acknowledgement "that his actions were inappropriate."

"Blake has issued a written apology and has also spoken directly with Principal Abbott," Fanning said. "He now realizes that whipped cream is a very dangerous substance, as deadly as guns, drugs, or marshmallows." The superintendent said that steps had also been taken to "make sure Principal Abbott's fragile face" is never harmed again. Abbott will be required to wear a face mask donated by a local ice hockey goalie, he said. The principal, who says she is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome since the pie-throwing incident, appeared encouraged when she heard about the face mask. "Students raise their hands and I'm reminded of Blake raising the pie just before he so cruelly attacked me," Abbott said. "I think this mask will really help me face the world again," she told reporters as she cowered under her desk.

Bush Sr. Skydives for 80th Birthday

Former president George H.W. Bush jumped out of a plane yesterday to celebrate his 80th birthday. "This was a real thrill for me," said Bush, who was watched by a crowd of 4,000 at his library at Texas A&M University.

The jump prompted the Washington Post to claim the stunt was "merely another attempt by the former president to recapture his youth." The Post revealed that Bush has dyed his hair a youthful shade of brown, has an earring, and has been frequenting a tanning salon. Former president Bush was enjoying a full day of bungee-jumping and skateboarding at the family ranch today and so could not be reached for comment. His spokesman denied the youth-recapturing allegations, although he did confirm that Bush was recently seen driving a new, fire engine red, Ford Mustang convertible, complete with spoiler wing, that he calls "the Red Monster."