Saddam Supporters Will Get Old Jobs Back

The United States is expected to announce today that selected former Saddam supporters will be welcomed back into the police and education services. About 11,000 school teachers and professors will be returning to their jobs.

Mahmoud Othman, a member of the Iraqi Governing Council, said the policy would still "exclude high-ranking" Saddam supporters "who committed crimes." According to US administrators, that means that there will be several government positions left open due to the vacancy caused by excluding the criminals. Paul Bremer, head of the US-led Coalition Provisional Authority, said that the Iraqi Governing Council will be accepting applications for "Mass Grave Digger," "Head Human Rights Violator," and "Weapons of Mass Destruction Concealer."

Canadian Doctors Recommend Avoiding Pesticides

The Ontario College of Family Physicians released a study on Friday "linking pesticide exposure to cancer, reproductive problems and neurological diseases." The authors of the study recommend reducing pesticide exposure "whenever and wherever possible."

"We wish to let the public know of the significant dangers of pesticide ingestion and we extend to them this heartfelt plea: Please, please, do not drink any pesticides," said Dr. Mark Sanders, one of the authors of the study. "No more pesticides with your cornflakes in the morning, and definitely no more pesticides before you go to bed or as a midnight snack." Dr. Sanders also recommended that people stop feeding pesticides to their children and pets.

Satellites Show Earth has a Fever

According to a NASA study, global average temperature increased by 0.43 Celsius per decade over the last 18 years. NASA scientists say that the new satellite data comes from measurements of the Earth's "skin temperature."

NASA has put out a list of things that people all over the planet can do in order to help Earth's fever come down. Their recommendations include giving the Earth a cool sponge bath and some Tylenol, or letting the Earth "rest" for a while. "A couple hundred million years ought to do the trick," NASA scientists said.

If You're Sick, Stay Home, Study Finds

A study carried out by researchers at Cornell University found that workers who come in sick cost their employers an average of $255 each per year. The cost is due to productivity losses from sick workers who work slowly, have trouble concentrating, and frequently repeat tasks.

Ron Goetzel, director of Cornell's Institute for Health and Productivity Studies, recommended that employees stay home "even if they just have the sniffles." He explained: "Instead of costing employers several hundred dollars per year, each employee should ask for a $250 bonus as payment for staying home when sick. That way, employers can still save $5 per employee each year." Goetzel then advised that employees choose a few days each year to stay home when they really aren't sick. "Just because they can," he said. "But don't print that."

Senator Hagel Calls for Military Draft

Concerned with "deteriorating security" in Iraq, Senator Chuck Hagel has proposed reinstituting the military draft. The Nebraska senator said that he believes restoring the draft would compel "our citizens to understand the intensity and depth of challenges we face."

"All of our citizens" should "pay some price" for US operations in Iraq, he said. The senator, when questioned about the feasibility of a draft, said that he had been misunderstood by the media and did not actually call for a draft. "I merely asked that our citizens pay the proper price," Senator Hagel said. He then gave reporters his home address and said that Americans can "pay the price" directly to him in the form of cash or check. "I am not accepting credit or CODs at this time," the senator said.

Saddam Still Thinks He's President

The London-based newspaper al-Sharq al-Awsat said yesterday that Saddam Hussein still believes he is the president of Iraq. Fearing that other prisoners would attempt to kill Saddam in revenge, prison guards have kept the former dictator in isolation, so he is "not aware of any of the developments taking place outside prison."

Saddam, said to be "writing daily, always demanding pens and paper," has at various times also expressed beliefs that he is the King of England, Heavyweight Champion of the World, and even "Xorbac from the planet Garrplon." When informed that he would soon face an Iraqi tribunal to be tried for his crimes against his country, Saddam allegedly threatened to fry the members of the tribunal with his "death ray."

Food Addiction

U.S. Researchers released a study showing that the brain reacts to the sight and smell of favorite foods "in much the same way as the brains of cocaine addicts when they think about their next snort." The scientists said that "food presentation significantly increased metabolism" in the same areas of the brain associated with addiction.

Upon hearing the news, activists at several of the nation's most liberal universities immediately organized protests calling for the legalization of favorite foods. Students proclaimed their radical intent with signs like "Favorite Foods = Freedom" while chanting the slogan "Make no mistake, we will eat cake!" Rally organizer John Brady proclaimed to a cheering crowd of 3,000 students: "We must end this false, phony, foolish, and fascistic war on favorite foods." Several prominent doctors also came forward to announce their support for using favorite foods for medicinal purposes.

Hummer vs. Prius

MSN has an article today comparing General Motors' Hummer to Toyota's Prius. According to MSN, while the Hummer initially outsold the Prius until early 2003, sales of the Prius have been gaining and finally have passed sales of the Hummer in late 2003. The much more expensive Hummer uses 473% more fuel than the Prius, and MSN, calling the Hummer a "mediocre car," said that the Prius outsold the Hummer by a 2-to-1 margin at the end of 2003.

The article admits that comparing the Hummer and the Prius is like "comparing apples and oranges, or apples and watermelons." MSN states that some of its future comparisons will include the "Nuclear Bomb vs. the Water Balloon," "Abraham Lincoln vs. Benedict Arnold," and "Godzilla vs. Bambi."

Professor Creates Eco-Friendly House, Disney Sues

Professor Kamaruzzaman Sopian, of the Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, has invented the world's first "fully self-sustainable" eco-house. The house was designed to be "a sustainable and environmentally-friendly residential dwelling, helping to reduce air pollution, global warming and acid rain."

The Walt Disney company has joined with the descendants of author Johann Wyss in a suit against the Malaysian university alleging that Professor Sopian's creation is not the world's first "fully self-sustainable" house. Disney claims that the house of the Swiss Family Robinson was around more than a hundred years before, and the company points to their famous replica as proof of what a real self-sustainable house should look like. Several Native American and Aboriginal tribes joined in a separate suit claiming that their ancestors were actually the first to invent an environmentally-friendly house.

Batman Saves the Day

Two men dressed as Batman and Robin were spotted fighting crime in a small town this week. Rescued driver Michelle Kirby said that she "saw them running down the road in Batman and Robin outfits," before they pushed her car to a gas station.

The true identity of the men is not known, but local resident Ray Cox said that he isn't sure they were the real superheroes. "I was out shopping, and when they ran past me I saw a clothing tag hanging off of Batman's cape -- and I'm pretty sure that tag said 'Walmart,'" he said. "If I were a billionaire like Bruce Wayne, I think I would probably get my costume at some upscale place like Macy's or Bloomingdale's," adding that he saw Batman and Robin exiting from a nearby McDonald's before disappearing into the night.

People Give Away Their Passwords for Chocolate

A survey recently carried out in London showed that more than 70% of people would reveal their computer password in exchange for a bar of chocolate. The same survey found that 80% were "fed up" with having to use passwords and wanted a better way to login to their computers.

Officials from Infosecurity Europe announced that they have found a way to harmonize both of these findings. Infosecurity spokesman Michael Donaldson said that their solution will improve security as well as consumer satisfaction. "Now, instead of being asked for a password, computer users will be asked to deposit a few coins and then will be prompted to type in their favorite candy bar. If the candy bar entry matches the stored answer, system access will be granted and the candy bar will be dispensed through a special slot in the monitor."

The Voice Lift

Plastic surgeons across the country have started getting more and more requests for a type of cosmetic surgery known as the "voice lift." Dr. Robert Thayer Sataloff of Graduate Hospital says that people sound old due to "the wobbles, the tremors," and hoarseness in the voice. "There are people who pay $15,000 for a face lift and as soon as they open their mouth, they sound like they're 75," said Dr. Sataloff.

In addition to improving the quality of the voice itself, surgeons are exploring other ways to make patients sound even more youthful. "We're performing surgery on the parts of the brain responsible for making a patient choose old-sounding ways of speaking," Dr. Sataloff said. Martin Clark, a 73-year-old retired public utility worker who underwent the voice and brain surgery several months ago, believes that he really does sound younger. "Like, you know, I think the surgery was a wicked success," he said, in a rich, smooth voice. Dr. Sataloff said of Clark's improvement: "His relatives say he has stopped constantly bothering them with stories from 50 years ago. And he has stopped beginning every sentence with the words, 'Back in my day...'"

Duke Hits Snooze Alarm

Duke University has announced it is eliminating all 8 a.m. classes starting this fall. Citing research showing college students get an average of six to seven hours of sleep per night, Duke's director of counseling and psychological services James Clack said, "They really think it doesn't bother them, but that really isn't the case."

Assistant Dean of Students Ryan Lombardi said that the school will be making further changes to course schedules in the fall. Administrators have proposed moving all courses in the History Department to times after 9 p.m. "We have been made aware that many, many students fall asleep in history classes," said Lombardi. "We are now trying to use this to our advantage. We will be installing more comfortable chairs and headrests to encourage students to keep sleeping all the way through the night." He expects the most effective classes to include "Lectures on the History of U.S. Foreign Policy" and "A Documentary Film History of 20th Century Monarchs." Lombardi added, "Just about anything in the Anthropology Department ought to do the trick, too."