Kerry Opens Up

Next week, presidential candidate John Kerry will begin airing ads intended to "define" him and his candidacy. "The level of communication we need to establish here is enormous," he said during a fund-raising breakfast. The candidate expressed optimism that, despite raising far less money than President Bush, he would still have enough of a "financial edge" to show America who he really is.

"I just feel I can no longer hide my true self!" Kerry shouted. "A lot of people don't really know who I am." The candidate's initial remarks led to some speculation among his guests. "I was worried he was going to reveal that his real name is Jessica and he was once a woman. Or, even worse, that he was once a Republican!" commented Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe. Kerry put an end to that line of thinking with a less racy disclosure: "Like many people, I'm not entirely enthusiastic about my candidacy. In fact, sometimes I find myself boring."