Bush Accused of Allowing Torture

Attorney General John Ashcroft responded yesterday to allegations that the president had allowed al-Qaida operatives to be tortured by U.S. troops. Angry Democratic senators accused President Bush of justifying the use of physical or psychological pain in the war on terrorism "in order to prevent further attacks on the United States by the al-Qaida terrorist network."

Ashcroft initially responded that both he and the president "condemn torture." However, after renewed and persistent interruptions from Senate Democrats, the attorney general finally broke down and admitted that President Bush had approved the "limited use of torture" involving suspected al-Qaida terrorists. "We authorized the use of increasing levels of discomfort, beginning with forcing the subjects to endure several hours of taped American Idol tryouts," Ashcroft said, fighting back tears. "If that excruciating experience did not cause the subjects to collapse in defeat, then we would move on to showing the entire 500 miles and 1000 laps of a NASCAR race." At that point, Ashcroft's continued sobs made it difficult to fully understand the additional levels of pain recommended, but several senators reported hearing the words "Britney Spears concert" and "State of the Union speeches." The level of psychological and physical pain that the torture inflicts is not yet clear, but is assumed to be "quite high."